THE POWER OF CHOICE

As I scrolled through my news feed on July 26, 2015, the numerous status updates, several selfie posts, and recent news items; one headline stood out above the rest: 'Bobbi Kristina Brown dies at 22years'. Suddenly, a familiar emotion filled my heart. I remember having it once before, when I saw a similar headline three years ago: 'Whitney Houston is dead!' Was it pity or grief? Did I know them personally? Not at all! But I couldn't shake off this sadness and strong belief that these women deserved better and indeed should have had better. 

I look at the circumstances surrounding their lives and deaths, I am further convinced of that fact. Whitney Houston, a woman blessed with such an amazing voice; such great talent and such promising future. Things were going great for her; then she met a young man and fell in love. Both were in the music business and theirs seemed like a perfect match. They got married, remained over the heels in love and things couldn't have been better. Then she started looking very thin, and people started to suspect. At first, it was brushed aside because she 'had always been thin'. This continued until evidence started pouring in. Drugs! That's why she looked the way she did.

Years seemed to pass in the twinkle of an eye as it started getting worse and the public started showing concern. It was obvious that the love she cherished so much had now become a bad influence. She had adopted a lifestyle of drugs and she was now in too deep. People reached out to help her and compelled her to end the association before it was too late but she was in love and chose to stay with her man. It got a lot worse and it began to affect her career. Her health was at risk, but she chose to stay put. It went on for so long and soon we all began to forget, until we heard later on that she had finally left. She found herself again and was indeed refreshed; a new album was released to celebrate this fact. We were all happy, Whitney was back! But we wondered why it took this long, after so much damage had been done.  Nevertheless, we prayed for a restoration of her lost years.

A child had been born in the midst of all that chaos; a beautiful cherry, with so much promise. A singer and aspiring actress, we wished her success with the exploration of her talents. Unfortunately, soon came the sad news of her mother's death, found unresponsive in her home. After her death, we waited for the autopsy and prayed it wasn't drugs, but traces of same were found in her system. What depression this young girl must have had to go through!  Then she fell in love with a young man who she practically grew up with, having been raised by her mother. At some point, we believed they got married until we learnt that they weren't. Nevertheless, the relationship continued. He reportedly began to present himself as her husband to exert excessive control and take over her relations, including other instances of alleged abuse. Bobbi Kristina reportedly made a phone call to an unnamed person to say her boyfriend was not the man she thought he was and was to discuss the details before she was found unconscious in her bathtub. Her boyfriend later admitted they had both done drugs that morning before he left her. We hoped to learn more about this as we waited for her to wake up from the long coma. We all prayed for a miracle but were saddened by the news that she didn't make it. Now, the young man is being accused of the circumstances that led to her death, because he ought to have known better than to acquire drugs for her when she had a drug problem. That was the same issue her mum had and it is just too sad. Quelle dommage! We wait to see the turn of events but still wish things could have gone another way.

What happened to these women is still very relevant today and like it or not, it relates to us all. The choices we make have a lasting effect on our future and several times, our loved ones. When dating, our eyes may notice several things about our partners but instead of addressing them, we sweep them under the carpet under the guise that 'he will change', ‘I love him’ or the more common 'I will change him'. Then we get married and these problems intensify and begin to affect us in several other areas. Our careers, our self-esteem, our minds and self worth, all crumble under the weight of these issues. Victims of verbal and physical abuse choose to remain in such relationships until what is left of them is simply a shadow of themselves or nothing at all. The men will seem fine and well, while the women remain affected. Bobby Brown is still doing great today, remarried and recently had a baby. Nick Gordon is also very alive, although there are speculations that he may be tried in court for involuntary manslaughter of Bobbi Kristina Brown. Choices are delicate! So don't make a choice at your own expense! Although there was no evidence of abuse in Whitney’s case, the negative influence was quite apparent, as her drug use, which her brother confessed on Oprah to have introduced her to, only worsened in her marriage to Bobby Brown.

Don't get me wrong, I am not an advocate for divorce but I will never encourage a woman to stay put with a man who abuses her. Such relationships are best ended before marriage; but even in marriage, the issue must still be addressed and not ignored. The wife of Akolade Arowolo had suffered abuse and even had scars but she kept going back after those fights, until it led to her being stabbed to death, which Arowolo has been convicted for (even though he denies same). If your man is ready to undergo counselling with you and make effort to address whatever is causing the abuse, why not? Please save your marriage! But if you have no say and he declares himself ‘an untouchable’ where no man can speak to him, then my dear, please give him time to cool off. Your life is too important!

I remember listening to a message where the Pastor referred to a ‘Christian fellowship brother’ who was beating his wife and had been counselled against same several times, but he chose to continue. Then, a few of the fellowship men who had tried everything, received the wisdom to try a rather unconventional method. They took the man to a secure location and gave him a taste of his own medicine. He never raised his hands against his wife again! Lol! (P.S, I’m not endorsing violence and battery o!)

On the other hand, it is important for us to develop strong personal values, such that we are able to withstand negative influence and refuse detrimental options, regardless of who is introducing the option. This is very important! Whatever you get yourself into, or adopt is your decision and irrespective of contributory factors or influence from these people in your life, what you say yes or no to is entirely your choice. If you invest time in developing these strong values, they will guide your decisions, including the important decision of choosing a life partner.

They say love is blind but those are simply words. This is your life! You can't afford to close your eyes to these things. Wear a pair of glasses and choose rightly! The signs will be right there in front of you before you say 'I do'. I'm not talking about little things you can afford to compromise, after all no man is perfect. Rather, I'm referring to those major things that can eat away at you forever or demean and destroy you. Any man that is not interested in adding value to your life or encouraging and helping you to be better should take a walk! Any man that thinks that communication should only be one way and enforces his opinion with a slap or punch, should also take a walk and you should run far away from such.

Your choice is extremely important, so please open your eyes wide before you step in. Sometimes you just have to put love aside and decide what is best for you and your future, no matter how difficult that is.

RIP BOBBI KRISTINA BROWN! RIP WHITNEY HOUSTON! RIP ALL OTHER WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN VICTIMS OF THEIR CHOICES!

With all the sincerity in my heart and a bucket full of roses!

©LAW Afolabi, September 2015                                                 

Disclaimer: The thoughts represented above are the opinion of the author, with a few references to publicly available facts and information about the persons mentioned. They thus do not represent fresh allegations about such individuals and the references have only been used to express the opinion of the author and convey the underlying message.

Sources of facts and individual pictures: dailymail.co.uk, etonline.com, people.com, mirror.co.uk, huffingtonpost.co.uk, rollingstone.com, s2smagazine.com, dailybeast.com, eonline.com.